I Have Diarrhea

Jan 15, 2019

An epic tale of dinner, drinking, and…. diarrhea?!?!? Steve recounts a story from a decade ago where he met with some people from his wifes job for what seemed like a simple night out of hibachi and arcade gaming but turned into oh so much more.

Transcription of ‘I Have Diarrhea’ by Otter.ai

0:00
Hey everybody, and welcome to another hinge with me. Steve likes me today man. Oh man, today is going to be a really special day. Today we’re going to talk about something that happens to all of us at some time in our life and there’s nothing you can do to control it. Diarrhea…

0:22
and the immortal story of a grown man looking me in the eyes and saying, Steven I must go. I have diarrhea now. He didn’t say had he didn’t say I’m going to have he didn’t say I’m feeling sick. He said he currently diarrhea and that will forever stick no pun intended in my mind and maybe in his butt cheeks for forever. So let’s go through a little history. Well, first of all, be cause of the incident.

1:01
I actually for a while owned the domain name ihavediarrhea.com in which at one iteration of it probably had to be 2008, maybe 2009. Somewhere around that time when this took place. So it’s about 10 years now. Its been a solid clip since this happened. Right around when we first moved, into one of our houses. So it had to be back in 2009. And let’s set the stage there. So I had the domain for 10 years. I gave it up at some point. I didn’t care now. It’s just like a random garbage site where people are trying to, you know, just keyword match garbage that they’re selling. So you go there and it’s there’s no real website. There’s nothing there. But at one point there was and it was just basically me writing out the detail in a thousand words or less of what happened that very, very fateful evening.

2:10
So what happened?

2:12
How did I have diarrhea become, oh, it was a stinky story along and it was something that we saw, we saw the writing on the wall. Yeah, we was from the very beginning. And as I’ll get into the detail, you’ll know I was very forthright in my opinion.

2:36
And I tried to warn the individual. But you know, not everybody will listen to you all the time, right? That’s just part of life. Sometimes you make a suggestion, and people will go with it. Sometimes you’ll make one and people will ignore you and do what they think is best. This is a wonderful example of that.

2:59
So with that further ado, let’s start.

3:02
It was a cold winter night, somewhere in the 2008 to 2009 range. I maybe even early 2010. I truly don’t remember what year this took place in. But it was about 1011 years ago,

My wife was working for a company called Slant/Fin at the time. They are a baseboard heating and boiler company that was out of the north side of Long Island. And she was a marketing and designer there, the packaging and the web and whatever, all the graphics of all the visual things that made these boring items appealing. And the fella in question and at this point, I really don’t mind naming him. Because the truth is, I don’t remember his last name. And I really doubt he’s listening. We’re not friends on the internet or anything. I’ve never seen him in the last, you know, eight years or so. So whatever. His name was Alvin. Nice guy. quiet man. I guess at the time, he was probably in his mid 20s, Asian descent. Nothing that has anything to do with anything. It really doesn’t. I’m just painting the full picture here for you. So you can see it. And he was in the engineering department. Well, now I really just sent stereotypical but now he was he was in the engineering department. Super nice guy. And he had a fiance a nice young lady. I don’t remember her name at all. So we’re just going to call her the fiance because I just don’t remember. I just yeah, I met her twice I met her. During this fateful night, I have diarrhea, and then I met her at her wedding. And that was it. Never saw them again. So two encounters with these people. And the wedding was I mean, we talked about the wedding in a previous podcast recently.

And that in itself was crazy. But we can maybe go into full detail on that another time where I called my the token, aka Godzilla.

But yeah, so Alvin worked in engineering and Kimberly worked in marketing and there were a bunch of people that were around all the same age in between mid to late 20s that that Kimberly was you know friends with their and they all decided to have a night out and the goal was to go out and have dinner at a lovely restaurant on old country road Long Island here and you know I guess it’s Westbury called place called heroes of Japan it is they have Bochy place and dinner place and it’s a lot of fun, and it’s a it’s a great place, it’s just, yeah, yeah, everybody’s been there at some point. If you live around here, you’ve been there for her about it at least once and and it’s cool, I’ve been there bunch of times, and I dig it, so we were going to go there. And then afterwards, the goal was to go across the street to a place called Jillian’s, which was the predecessor to Dave and Busters at the time that I believe Jillian’s is no longer in business. At least here on Long Island, they all converted over to Dave and Busters that is a giant arcade by day with like a crappy fried food. And then by night, they turn on the dark lights and the glow and they serve drinks and is dancing and this pool and there’s lots of video games.

Listen man, I’m a kid of the 80s video games are right up my alley. My wife wasn’t stupid, she knew I’d come if I get to play video games. And that I would, you know, hang out with everybody otherwise. And I’m usually pretty amicable to come into any social scenario and the social setting. I’m cool with it. I don’t mind I like going out meeting people and talking to folks. It’s it’s always good. So because my wife’s friends were going to be there. And she was going to have you know, some of her her office girls or whatever, or her buddies from work. I thought I should bring a friend. So I found a friend and I brought one of my best friends from childhood. Ryan with me. And you know, he met me at most of the house. And we’ll drove together and we went to Shiros of Japan, where we met up with everybody had a drink. Nice time. Good, good. And we’re all looking at the menu and we’re trying to figure out what are we going to have, right, like, so what are you going to have, like, normally you have a box, you write my buddy. Ryan’s a vegetarian, so he’s always a pain in the ass. He’s either a vegetarian or eats lobster. So he’s really kind of full of crap. But hey, he’s still been at 20 some odd years later, 10 – 11 years later from this incident, so he’s stuck with it. So I give them that. So we all want our food there is handwritten on the menu Meantime, menus printed but hand written on the menu. Under the list of things that you can eat. It says on a stuck on piece of paper, handwritten with a piece of tape over it. Long Island duck.

Now duck is popular and Long Island duck is actually really good. Good. So it’s something that can be delicious. At times. It can absolutely when prepared properly. Be a yummy, yummy in your tummy meal. Something that you will not regret having unless you have it this fateful night at Shiros of Japan.

8:15
Everybody’s talking about what they’re going to have while having drinks and having a good time. Alvin speaks up and goes, I’m gonna have the duck to which you know, immediately. Listen, I can’t help myself. At times. I go to these places. I’m hanging out with people. And I don’t know how to be quiet. I don’t know how to mind my own business. I always have an opinion or a comment. And I said, “Hey, bro, I don’t really know you, man. But that’s handwritten on the menu. I probably pass on the duck and go for the salmon or the chicken or beef or something that they always have. Not something that was like, you know, handwritten and stuck in a menu. That just seems like a bad deal, man, that that doesn’t seem smart at all.” And he looks at me he’s like, “Steve, I said, I want the duck because I like duck. I’m going to enjoy the duck.”

All right. Ryan makes a duck, duck, goose, joke. Whatever. We all laugh and away we go. Dinner served.

Everybody has a wonderful time. Everybody. Yum, yum, yum. Eat up. I don’t remember what I had. Probably the salmon. It’s usually my favorite. How about you?

My wife probably had the same, and Ryan had vegetables. Of course.

9:33
Alvin had the duck.

9:35
I repeat. Alvin had the duck.

9:41
That same duck that was handwritten on the menu. Well known doc or duckling. However, they were all good. We pay for our meal. Everybody splits and we say all right let’s go meet up at a Dave and Busters or Julian’s at the time it’s still Dave and Busters. Now Actually, I take my daughter there now 1012 years later. So go figure how that comes full circle of times.

Crazy but that is what it is. So we meet up everybody’s a Dave and Busters myself and Ryan and joy. A couple of friends having fun, join some time out playing games, having a few cold ones. And everybody decides well we didn’t have dessert at Shiro’s of Japan, they don’t really they offer like ice cream in a bowl. Standard Chinese / Japanese type of place How about you play say, you know, not known for their desserts.

So we all say hey, let’s go to Stone Cold Creamery. It’s around the corner.

Keep in mind it’s cold as fuck. Dead on winter. New York. winter cold. Fucking windy. Just fuck my life. cold winter.

10:56
But hey lets have some ice cream. Now. If you don’t know what stone cold ice cream in stone cold Creamery, whatever the hell they call it. Not stone cold. Steve Austin. He’s not gonna we’re not going to give you a stunner in the middle of the ice cream place. It would probably be a lot better if it is I personally don’t like it. It’s I find a fucking disgusting, you know. And what they would do back then was they would scoop your ice cream out onto like a slab like a countertop. And then if you want to like strawberries, or bananas, or whatever the fuck was you’re going to get? They would put it on the ice cream. Shop it in not like the places now that you see, like at the mall where they do it on an ice cold tabletop surface where they pour the raw milk, you know, the pure milk gets poured on and then they they make it into ice cream view that’s different. That’s really good and delicious and and be like, it’s disgusting. This they basically just took scoops of ice cream, slapped it down on the table and just chopped stuff into it, making it into a watery disgusting fucking mess.

11:58
Me personally, not my bag, man. Not at all. Ryan. I don’t remember if he was going to have it or not. My wife. Maybe she was going to have it. A bunch of the other people wanted to have it. So we thought, all right, let’s get everybody together. We all walk around the arcade, the bar, whatever, we collect our crew and we had about a dozen people that give or take maybe more and we get everybody together and say, let’s go we’re gonna go to stone cold Creamery. We’re going to leave in 10 minutes. So everybody finishes up what they’re doing. 10 minutes later, we’re all standing outside, getting ready to go to stone cold Creamery and watch that masticated product before us and that’s what it’s all about to get crazy. It’s everything was great man we have other than, you know, warning this guy about the doc nice guy having a good time. You know, he was playing games with his fiance and with us, we were all playing stuff together, having laughing haven’t added.

13:02
So we’re all leaving. And myself and Ryan are at the end. We’re picking up the tail, right the tail end of this this procession of have a slight Finn people plus me and Ryan basically. And we’re playing the last game, of course, because we’re fucking idiots and we’re playing pinball and whatever we’re doing just be into chuckleheads having a good time knocking down a couple of cold ones were at the end of the line will will leave our so we thought the end of the line of our friends, everybody leaves the Jillian’s. We turn left and start walking up the side of the building at the mall there and we’re going to walk around the mall because there was no inside way to get into this place. It was a outside entrance ice cream parlor that did not have an internal more connection. So we had to walk around no matter what and when to bear the cold. Just eat something called which I thought was incredibly stupid. But that’s whatever. I wasn’t gonna eat it. Anyway,

Ryan and I are now out the doors of the Jillian’s. We’ve probably gone about 2030 yards from the buildings, doors where we’re talking. We’re laughing, whatever. We’re having a good time.

14:10
And I hear from behind Steve.

14:15
Hey, Steve.

14:19
Steve.

14:21
So I turn around, of course, I mean, like any normal person, you hear your name called here. You’re going to turn your head you’re going to at least look and go. Well, what the hell’s going on, right.

So I turn around. And Alvin standing there double over, looking in pain, like holding his gut, his fiance’s like you know brushing his hair back out of his face he looks all fucking sweaty and just to shoveled you know his clothes look like just just look wrecked.

14:48
I mean, I don’t know I just looked. It just looked like he was in just a seismic shift of life. a neutron bomb exploded life in his rectum and his bowels he was just completely completely disheveled looking. I mean, I had never seen somebody so sober as he hadn’t been drinking. It was somebody so sober look so fucking wrecked in such a short period of time in my life.

15:21
The only time I could remember even feeling that way was when I had food poisoning once years ago. And that’s a whole nother time for a whole nother story. My grandmother had food poisoning myself and my wife accidentally or due to negligence. You can call it what you will, but it happened it’s in the record books the annals of time of have yet another ridiculous story. So Alvin hunched over just looking this fucking wrecked he looks at me and I say Hey, what’s up Alan? You know what’s, what’s going on? Bro? We’re going to stone cold Creamery. Come on, join me and Ryan. Let’s go. Come on, guys, catch up. Let’s all work together. Because, you know by then the group was still walking Kim. She was talking to her friends. They were they were you know, another already distanced another 30, 4050 yards, whatever was and he’s looking at me, he’s like,

16:12
just like, you could just feel it. You could feel in the air like something was happening. He was just, I don’t even know it. At that moment. In time. I was looking at him and just wondering what the fuck is going on what you do. But I’d say that I was just silent standing next to my my friend Ryan and looking at this fella that he’d only just met at the dinner table, you know, an hour and a half, two hours prior. We I’ve known him two hours my entire life.

16:42
And he looks at me at it says when it happens.

16:46
And he goes, Steve,

16:49
I have diarrhea. I must go

16:53
and silence. absolute silence. From that point forward. He does not say another word. The next time I spoke to him, was that his wedding and he just. And she just looks at me, the fiance girlfriend, whatever she was at the time. She was just like, we’re going to go now. Thank you for everything, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And me right or standing there like what the fuck just happened? So I say to him, like any normal, nice civilized person would be like, You are right. Mandy, Do you need anything? And he just like put his hands up in the air and just walked away out into the darkness like into the parking lot into his car. He just vanished he does. He was there. One minute he told me he had diarrhea he must go that did he have it actively? Did he soil himself?

I really don’t know that’s part of the that’s one of the things that is vexed me all these years. The way he said it it would make me believe that he actually was actively having diarrhea like he missed the bowl and that’s why he’s got to go because it’s in his path alone is that he himself now I didn’t have any spare pants in my car. Nothing I could have done to help there at all you know it’s just is what it is man you know you shit your pants and you don’t feel good we feel bad for you but there’s nothing I can do you know so it was just obviously Ryan and I turned around we said goodbye you know we should feel better and wish them well they ran off I literally ran like through the parking lot just zoom just booking through just they just took the fuck off like it was incredible it was a Steve I have diarrhea I must go and then boom he was gone like just like the fucking flash it was incredible if the flash left as fast as this guy did but he’s faster than a flash he might be that alternate Earth flash he might be the the flash that where’s the old school hard hat helmet? That looks like a minor from the flash on The CW. If you watch the flash show. I don’t remember what his name is. It’s the old guy flash that looks like his dad or something like that now Yeah, that would that would be the flash if he would have been because he was so fast. He was faster than flash, he made flash flash. Incredible.

19:15
So Ryan and I we we turn around look at each other. Both little intoxicated at this point that anyway from going to the bar and having a good time and we just looked at each other and just started laughing I mean, what else could you do? We literally laughed from there to the store. And then we’re inside and I didn’t even order anything because at that point I just been told about a massive diarrhea situation. Having masticated ice cream, it looks like baby vomit was definitely not on the radar for me at that point. And I didn’t think Ryan he was going to eat it anyway. That wasn’t that wasn’t really his bag. He’s more of a jelly on a spoon and whipped cream kind of guy. You know what I mean? Not that he’s going to hear this because he is not of the internet world. He is a true Savage, a cave man of his days and does not partake in the internet. I might try to get him to come on one day and just be crazy. But uh, don’t hold your breath. They’ll probably be many, many podcasts before that ever takes place. So you know, there you have it, guys. I mean, it’s really yeah, after that point. We we went in we told everybody that they weren’t going to be here anymore. everybody’s like, Why? What happened? Where did Alvin go oh my god. What is happening? What’s going on? What do we what are we leaving already at so soon? We didn’t even have ice cream and but no nope, nope. The rest of us are going to stay we’re gonna have a good time to rest of the night and we did everybody had their ice cream that one it went back to Jillian’s had a couple more drinks, had a good time, played some games had some fun. And then everybody parted ways later that evening. I don’t know 12 one. Whatever it was in the morning. By the time we’re all done. And that was that. But Alvin now. He was gone. He was gone forever. As far as I was concerned. I thought, well, all right. I met him and I will never ever see him again. And he gave me the gift of an absolutely hilarious story. Not knowing that one day I would tell it some 10 years later into a microphone in my home studio slash office calling it the I have diarrhea episode but hey, you know, who knows this is the way life is sometimes sometimes you don’t realize that you experience something to share at a much, much later date then you would originally expected and this is one of those times so after that faithful faithful evening I presume that they were never to be seen again and my wife had told me Oh man, about six months later I guess that we were going to go to their wedding and the first thing I said to him when I saw his wedding I said I hope you feeling good brother and I shook his hand and you know whatever What are you going to do? I had no other frame of reference It’s not like I knew him I’ve only known him for one meal and a conversation about his diarrhea situation so

22:11
man

22:14
yeah I have diarrhea There you have it folks.

22:19
One sticky sticky situation for some one hilarious and fucked up memory for the rest of us.

So you know hey you know the usual deal at the end of these I invite you to come to the website at unhinge pod calm I also invite you to come to my social media at I am Lichtman pretty much everywhere social media can be found mainly Instagram and Twitter, mainly Instagram, little bit of Facebook here and there on the page. I try to post out all the the blogs and the podcast episodes and you know throwing some fun me and things you know this weekend we had the football game so my cowboys got wrecked and good to see all my asshole friends from Philadelphia. Making fun of it on Saturday just to have to suck a giant bag of dicks on Sunday when that team lost to when was his name Shaun Geoffrey. But what they renamed him on Wikipedia to a Butterfinger is this is middle name because people are savages in the sports world. So just to piss everybody off. Now I’m going to become a Patriots fan for the rest of the playoffs. Because I know everybody hates Tom Brady. So if everybody’s going to hate Tom Brady well then you know what, fuck you NFL world. I love Tom Brady and Gronk this year. And Julian Edelman coming back from God knows where the fuck he came from. He looks like a homeless man. When I saw him in the game yesterday. It was incredible how fucked up he looked. But he’s passing drug tests in the NFL. So, so good for him. Glad to see him back. So yeah, that’s I’m going to be cheering for that trio of that motley crew of idiots just to make everybody mad. Hopefully they win the next two games and piss off the world.

So remember folks just hit me up. I am Lichtman on all social medias and come to unhinge pod.com. Where you can get the links to the podcast from iTunes, SoundCloud, Google Play, Spotify, and everywhere else podcast can be found nowadays. So thankfully, you know, the time of getting the tech stuff behind us is here and done. And now I’m just you know, I’m able to just do what I want to do record and make some hopefully entertaining content for you guys that you are you listen to, and you enjoy. You know, please feel free to reach out to me anywhere on the internet and tell me what you like to didn’t like. You think of a complete asshole. By all means. Tell me you’re not gonna hurt my feelings. I’m gonna love every minute of it now. Absolutely right. You’re back. So yeah, that’s all there is for today. No sign offs, you know, maybe I’ll use Ryan sign off once again. Maybe we’ll make this the running trend and say Hey, guys. Love and lizards baby. Love and lizards.

An epic tale of dinner, drinking, and…. diarrhea?!?!? Steve recounts a story from a decade ago where he met with some people from his wifes job for what seemed like a simple night out of hibachi and arcade gaming but turned into oh so much more.

Transcription of ‘I Have Diarrhea’ by Otter.ai

0:00
Hey everybody, and welcome to another hinge with me. Steve likes me today man. Oh man, today is going to be a really special day. Today we’re going to talk about something that happens to all of us at some time in our life and there’s nothing you can do to control it. Diarrhea…

0:22
and the immortal story of a grown man looking me in the eyes and saying, Steven I must go. I have diarrhea now. He didn’t say had he didn’t say I’m going to have he didn’t say I’m feeling sick. He said he currently diarrhea and that will forever stick no pun intended in my mind and maybe in his butt cheeks for forever. So let’s go through a little history. Well, first of all, be cause of the incident.

1:01
I actually for a while owned the domain name ihavediarrhea.com in which at one iteration of it probably had to be 2008, maybe 2009. Somewhere around that time when this took place. So it’s about 10 years now. Its been a solid clip since this happened. Right around when we first moved, into one of our houses. So it had to be back in 2009. And let’s set the stage there. So I had the domain for 10 years. I gave it up at some point. I didn’t care now. It’s just like a random garbage site where people are trying to, you know, just keyword match garbage that they’re selling. So you go there and it’s there’s no real website. There’s nothing there. But at one point there was and it was just basically me writing out the detail in a thousand words or less of what happened that very, very fateful evening.

2:10
So what happened?

2:12
How did I have diarrhea become, oh, it was a stinky story along and it was something that we saw, we saw the writing on the wall. Yeah, we was from the very beginning. And as I’ll get into the detail, you’ll know I was very forthright in my opinion.

2:36
And I tried to warn the individual. But you know, not everybody will listen to you all the time, right? That’s just part of life. Sometimes you make a suggestion, and people will go with it. Sometimes you’ll make one and people will ignore you and do what they think is best. This is a wonderful example of that.

2:59
So with that further ado, let’s start.

3:02
It was a cold winter night, somewhere in the 2008 to 2009 range. I maybe even early 2010. I truly don’t remember what year this took place in. But it was about 1011 years ago,

My wife was working for a company called Slant/Fin at the time. They are a baseboard heating and boiler company that was out of the north side of Long Island. And she was a marketing and designer there, the packaging and the web and whatever, all the graphics of all the visual things that made these boring items appealing. And the fella in question and at this point, I really don’t mind naming him. Because the truth is, I don’t remember his last name. And I really doubt he’s listening. We’re not friends on the internet or anything. I’ve never seen him in the last, you know, eight years or so. So whatever. His name was Alvin. Nice guy. quiet man. I guess at the time, he was probably in his mid 20s, Asian descent. Nothing that has anything to do with anything. It really doesn’t. I’m just painting the full picture here for you. So you can see it. And he was in the engineering department. Well, now I really just sent stereotypical but now he was he was in the engineering department. Super nice guy. And he had a fiance a nice young lady. I don’t remember her name at all. So we’re just going to call her the fiance because I just don’t remember. I just yeah, I met her twice I met her. During this fateful night, I have diarrhea, and then I met her at her wedding. And that was it. Never saw them again. So two encounters with these people. And the wedding was I mean, we talked about the wedding in a previous podcast recently.

And that in itself was crazy. But we can maybe go into full detail on that another time where I called my the token, aka Godzilla.

But yeah, so Alvin worked in engineering and Kimberly worked in marketing and there were a bunch of people that were around all the same age in between mid to late 20s that that Kimberly was you know friends with their and they all decided to have a night out and the goal was to go out and have dinner at a lovely restaurant on old country road Long Island here and you know I guess it’s Westbury called place called heroes of Japan it is they have Bochy place and dinner place and it’s a lot of fun, and it’s a it’s a great place, it’s just, yeah, yeah, everybody’s been there at some point. If you live around here, you’ve been there for her about it at least once and and it’s cool, I’ve been there bunch of times, and I dig it, so we were going to go there. And then afterwards, the goal was to go across the street to a place called Jillian’s, which was the predecessor to Dave and Busters at the time that I believe Jillian’s is no longer in business. At least here on Long Island, they all converted over to Dave and Busters that is a giant arcade by day with like a crappy fried food. And then by night, they turn on the dark lights and the glow and they serve drinks and is dancing and this pool and there’s lots of video games.

Listen man, I’m a kid of the 80s video games are right up my alley. My wife wasn’t stupid, she knew I’d come if I get to play video games. And that I would, you know, hang out with everybody otherwise. And I’m usually pretty amicable to come into any social scenario and the social setting. I’m cool with it. I don’t mind I like going out meeting people and talking to folks. It’s it’s always good. So because my wife’s friends were going to be there. And she was going to have you know, some of her her office girls or whatever, or her buddies from work. I thought I should bring a friend. So I found a friend and I brought one of my best friends from childhood. Ryan with me. And you know, he met me at most of the house. And we’ll drove together and we went to Shiros of Japan, where we met up with everybody had a drink. Nice time. Good, good. And we’re all looking at the menu and we’re trying to figure out what are we going to have, right, like, so what are you going to have, like, normally you have a box, you write my buddy. Ryan’s a vegetarian, so he’s always a pain in the ass. He’s either a vegetarian or eats lobster. So he’s really kind of full of crap. But hey, he’s still been at 20 some odd years later, 10 – 11 years later from this incident, so he’s stuck with it. So I give them that. So we all want our food there is handwritten on the menu Meantime, menus printed but hand written on the menu. Under the list of things that you can eat. It says on a stuck on piece of paper, handwritten with a piece of tape over it. Long Island duck.

Now duck is popular and Long Island duck is actually really good. Good. So it’s something that can be delicious. At times. It can absolutely when prepared properly. Be a yummy, yummy in your tummy meal. Something that you will not regret having unless you have it this fateful night at Shiros of Japan.

8:15
Everybody’s talking about what they’re going to have while having drinks and having a good time. Alvin speaks up and goes, I’m gonna have the duck to which you know, immediately. Listen, I can’t help myself. At times. I go to these places. I’m hanging out with people. And I don’t know how to be quiet. I don’t know how to mind my own business. I always have an opinion or a comment. And I said, “Hey, bro, I don’t really know you, man. But that’s handwritten on the menu. I probably pass on the duck and go for the salmon or the chicken or beef or something that they always have. Not something that was like, you know, handwritten and stuck in a menu. That just seems like a bad deal, man, that that doesn’t seem smart at all.” And he looks at me he’s like, “Steve, I said, I want the duck because I like duck. I’m going to enjoy the duck.”

All right. Ryan makes a duck, duck, goose, joke. Whatever. We all laugh and away we go. Dinner served.

Everybody has a wonderful time. Everybody. Yum, yum, yum. Eat up. I don’t remember what I had. Probably the salmon. It’s usually my favorite. How about you?

My wife probably had the same, and Ryan had vegetables. Of course.

9:33
Alvin had the duck.

9:35
I repeat. Alvin had the duck.

9:41
That same duck that was handwritten on the menu. Well known doc or duckling. However, they were all good. We pay for our meal. Everybody splits and we say all right let’s go meet up at a Dave and Busters or Julian’s at the time it’s still Dave and Busters. Now Actually, I take my daughter there now 1012 years later. So go figure how that comes full circle of times.

Crazy but that is what it is. So we meet up everybody’s a Dave and Busters myself and Ryan and joy. A couple of friends having fun, join some time out playing games, having a few cold ones. And everybody decides well we didn’t have dessert at Shiro’s of Japan, they don’t really they offer like ice cream in a bowl. Standard Chinese / Japanese type of place How about you play say, you know, not known for their desserts.

So we all say hey, let’s go to Stone Cold Creamery. It’s around the corner.

Keep in mind it’s cold as fuck. Dead on winter. New York. winter cold. Fucking windy. Just fuck my life. cold winter.

10:56
But hey lets have some ice cream. Now. If you don’t know what stone cold ice cream in stone cold Creamery, whatever the hell they call it. Not stone cold. Steve Austin. He’s not gonna we’re not going to give you a stunner in the middle of the ice cream place. It would probably be a lot better if it is I personally don’t like it. It’s I find a fucking disgusting, you know. And what they would do back then was they would scoop your ice cream out onto like a slab like a countertop. And then if you want to like strawberries, or bananas, or whatever the fuck was you’re going to get? They would put it on the ice cream. Shop it in not like the places now that you see, like at the mall where they do it on an ice cold tabletop surface where they pour the raw milk, you know, the pure milk gets poured on and then they they make it into ice cream view that’s different. That’s really good and delicious and and be like, it’s disgusting. This they basically just took scoops of ice cream, slapped it down on the table and just chopped stuff into it, making it into a watery disgusting fucking mess.

11:58
Me personally, not my bag, man. Not at all. Ryan. I don’t remember if he was going to have it or not. My wife. Maybe she was going to have it. A bunch of the other people wanted to have it. So we thought, all right, let’s get everybody together. We all walk around the arcade, the bar, whatever, we collect our crew and we had about a dozen people that give or take maybe more and we get everybody together and say, let’s go we’re gonna go to stone cold Creamery. We’re going to leave in 10 minutes. So everybody finishes up what they’re doing. 10 minutes later, we’re all standing outside, getting ready to go to stone cold Creamery and watch that masticated product before us and that’s what it’s all about to get crazy. It’s everything was great man we have other than, you know, warning this guy about the doc nice guy having a good time. You know, he was playing games with his fiance and with us, we were all playing stuff together, having laughing haven’t added.

13:02
So we’re all leaving. And myself and Ryan are at the end. We’re picking up the tail, right the tail end of this this procession of have a slight Finn people plus me and Ryan basically. And we’re playing the last game, of course, because we’re fucking idiots and we’re playing pinball and whatever we’re doing just be into chuckleheads having a good time knocking down a couple of cold ones were at the end of the line will will leave our so we thought the end of the line of our friends, everybody leaves the Jillian’s. We turn left and start walking up the side of the building at the mall there and we’re going to walk around the mall because there was no inside way to get into this place. It was a outside entrance ice cream parlor that did not have an internal more connection. So we had to walk around no matter what and when to bear the cold. Just eat something called which I thought was incredibly stupid. But that’s whatever. I wasn’t gonna eat it. Anyway,

Ryan and I are now out the doors of the Jillian’s. We’ve probably gone about 2030 yards from the buildings, doors where we’re talking. We’re laughing, whatever. We’re having a good time.

14:10
And I hear from behind Steve.

14:15
Hey, Steve.

14:19
Steve.

14:21
So I turn around, of course, I mean, like any normal person, you hear your name called here. You’re going to turn your head you’re going to at least look and go. Well, what the hell’s going on, right.

So I turn around. And Alvin standing there double over, looking in pain, like holding his gut, his fiance’s like you know brushing his hair back out of his face he looks all fucking sweaty and just to shoveled you know his clothes look like just just look wrecked.

14:48
I mean, I don’t know I just looked. It just looked like he was in just a seismic shift of life. a neutron bomb exploded life in his rectum and his bowels he was just completely completely disheveled looking. I mean, I had never seen somebody so sober as he hadn’t been drinking. It was somebody so sober look so fucking wrecked in such a short period of time in my life.

15:21
The only time I could remember even feeling that way was when I had food poisoning once years ago. And that’s a whole nother time for a whole nother story. My grandmother had food poisoning myself and my wife accidentally or due to negligence. You can call it what you will, but it happened it’s in the record books the annals of time of have yet another ridiculous story. So Alvin hunched over just looking this fucking wrecked he looks at me and I say Hey, what’s up Alan? You know what’s, what’s going on? Bro? We’re going to stone cold Creamery. Come on, join me and Ryan. Let’s go. Come on, guys, catch up. Let’s all work together. Because, you know by then the group was still walking Kim. She was talking to her friends. They were they were you know, another already distanced another 30, 4050 yards, whatever was and he’s looking at me, he’s like,

16:12
just like, you could just feel it. You could feel in the air like something was happening. He was just, I don’t even know it. At that moment. In time. I was looking at him and just wondering what the fuck is going on what you do. But I’d say that I was just silent standing next to my my friend Ryan and looking at this fella that he’d only just met at the dinner table, you know, an hour and a half, two hours prior. We I’ve known him two hours my entire life.

16:42
And he looks at me at it says when it happens.

16:46
And he goes, Steve,

16:49
I have diarrhea. I must go

16:53
and silence. absolute silence. From that point forward. He does not say another word. The next time I spoke to him, was that his wedding and he just. And she just looks at me, the fiance girlfriend, whatever she was at the time. She was just like, we’re going to go now. Thank you for everything, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And me right or standing there like what the fuck just happened? So I say to him, like any normal, nice civilized person would be like, You are right. Mandy, Do you need anything? And he just like put his hands up in the air and just walked away out into the darkness like into the parking lot into his car. He just vanished he does. He was there. One minute he told me he had diarrhea he must go that did he have it actively? Did he soil himself?

I really don’t know that’s part of the that’s one of the things that is vexed me all these years. The way he said it it would make me believe that he actually was actively having diarrhea like he missed the bowl and that’s why he’s got to go because it’s in his path alone is that he himself now I didn’t have any spare pants in my car. Nothing I could have done to help there at all you know it’s just is what it is man you know you shit your pants and you don’t feel good we feel bad for you but there’s nothing I can do you know so it was just obviously Ryan and I turned around we said goodbye you know we should feel better and wish them well they ran off I literally ran like through the parking lot just zoom just booking through just they just took the fuck off like it was incredible it was a Steve I have diarrhea I must go and then boom he was gone like just like the fucking flash it was incredible if the flash left as fast as this guy did but he’s faster than a flash he might be that alternate Earth flash he might be the the flash that where’s the old school hard hat helmet? That looks like a minor from the flash on The CW. If you watch the flash show. I don’t remember what his name is. It’s the old guy flash that looks like his dad or something like that now Yeah, that would that would be the flash if he would have been because he was so fast. He was faster than flash, he made flash flash. Incredible.

19:15
So Ryan and I we we turn around look at each other. Both little intoxicated at this point that anyway from going to the bar and having a good time and we just looked at each other and just started laughing I mean, what else could you do? We literally laughed from there to the store. And then we’re inside and I didn’t even order anything because at that point I just been told about a massive diarrhea situation. Having masticated ice cream, it looks like baby vomit was definitely not on the radar for me at that point. And I didn’t think Ryan he was going to eat it anyway. That wasn’t that wasn’t really his bag. He’s more of a jelly on a spoon and whipped cream kind of guy. You know what I mean? Not that he’s going to hear this because he is not of the internet world. He is a true Savage, a cave man of his days and does not partake in the internet. I might try to get him to come on one day and just be crazy. But uh, don’t hold your breath. They’ll probably be many, many podcasts before that ever takes place. So you know, there you have it, guys. I mean, it’s really yeah, after that point. We we went in we told everybody that they weren’t going to be here anymore. everybody’s like, Why? What happened? Where did Alvin go oh my god. What is happening? What’s going on? What do we what are we leaving already at so soon? We didn’t even have ice cream and but no nope, nope. The rest of us are going to stay we’re gonna have a good time to rest of the night and we did everybody had their ice cream that one it went back to Jillian’s had a couple more drinks, had a good time, played some games had some fun. And then everybody parted ways later that evening. I don’t know 12 one. Whatever it was in the morning. By the time we’re all done. And that was that. But Alvin now. He was gone. He was gone forever. As far as I was concerned. I thought, well, all right. I met him and I will never ever see him again. And he gave me the gift of an absolutely hilarious story. Not knowing that one day I would tell it some 10 years later into a microphone in my home studio slash office calling it the I have diarrhea episode but hey, you know, who knows this is the way life is sometimes sometimes you don’t realize that you experience something to share at a much, much later date then you would originally expected and this is one of those times so after that faithful faithful evening I presume that they were never to be seen again and my wife had told me Oh man, about six months later I guess that we were going to go to their wedding and the first thing I said to him when I saw his wedding I said I hope you feeling good brother and I shook his hand and you know whatever What are you going to do? I had no other frame of reference It’s not like I knew him I’ve only known him for one meal and a conversation about his diarrhea situation so

22:11
man

22:14
yeah I have diarrhea There you have it folks.

22:19
One sticky sticky situation for some one hilarious and fucked up memory for the rest of us.

So you know hey you know the usual deal at the end of these I invite you to come to the website at unhinge pod calm I also invite you to come to my social media at I am Lichtman pretty much everywhere social media can be found mainly Instagram and Twitter, mainly Instagram, little bit of Facebook here and there on the page. I try to post out all the the blogs and the podcast episodes and you know throwing some fun me and things you know this weekend we had the football game so my cowboys got wrecked and good to see all my asshole friends from Philadelphia. Making fun of it on Saturday just to have to suck a giant bag of dicks on Sunday when that team lost to when was his name Shaun Geoffrey. But what they renamed him on Wikipedia to a Butterfinger is this is middle name because people are savages in the sports world. So just to piss everybody off. Now I’m going to become a Patriots fan for the rest of the playoffs. Because I know everybody hates Tom Brady. So if everybody’s going to hate Tom Brady well then you know what, fuck you NFL world. I love Tom Brady and Gronk this year. And Julian Edelman coming back from God knows where the fuck he came from. He looks like a homeless man. When I saw him in the game yesterday. It was incredible how fucked up he looked. But he’s passing drug tests in the NFL. So, so good for him. Glad to see him back. So yeah, that’s I’m going to be cheering for that trio of that motley crew of idiots just to make everybody mad. Hopefully they win the next two games and piss off the world.

So remember folks just hit me up. I am Lichtman on all social medias and come to unhinge pod.com. Where you can get the links to the podcast from iTunes, SoundCloud, Google Play, Spotify, and everywhere else podcast can be found nowadays. So thankfully, you know, the time of getting the tech stuff behind us is here and done. And now I’m just you know, I’m able to just do what I want to do record and make some hopefully entertaining content for you guys that you are you listen to, and you enjoy. You know, please feel free to reach out to me anywhere on the internet and tell me what you like to didn’t like. You think of a complete asshole. By all means. Tell me you’re not gonna hurt my feelings. I’m gonna love every minute of it now. Absolutely right. You’re back. So yeah, that’s all there is for today. No sign offs, you know, maybe I’ll use Ryan sign off once again. Maybe we’ll make this the running trend and say Hey, guys. Love and lizards baby. Love and lizards.

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